my world of br0kendr3amz

had a weird dream last nite.. kind of nice in a way..
but when i woke up, i felt like needles just poked thru my heart..
cos the dream felt so real.. it hurts when i think bout it.. cos i noe it will NEVER happen..
it hurts real bad now.. cos that dream keeps flashing in my head..
and it felt so real.. like it really did happen..
didn't really wan to wake up from that dream..
kept trying to go back to slp.. but i can't seem to fall aslp..

well, i guess i have nothing else to say..
for sum reason.. i feel like i shouldn't lock this post..
i guess that's wat i'll do.. i'll follow how i feel now.. and not lock this post.. lol..

i dunno y the emoish feeling seem to be growing in me..  its like my heart is sinking deeper and deeper.. and no matter wat i do i cant bring it back up.. its like it has went into the deep deep ocean and decided to stay there.. i don't noe wat to do anymore.. i'm mentally too tired already.. feel like i'm goin to suffer a breakdown.. =(

went to esplanade today to do my lpa paper, pass it up then slack till 10 so i can watch key elements.. its been a long time since i watch them perform.. the performance was great...  =) felt great to be there watching them... i reached the place at 6+, did the paper till out 7, then watch sum other accapella group do their carolling.. after that roam around esplanade awhile till it reached 10...

as i was roaming sumhow the emo started to grow in me.. its like my heart just started to get heavier and heavier... i didnt dare to think much bout it there.. cos i was afraid i'll burst into tears.. so i kept listenin to the radio.. but the emoish feeling stayed there thru out the nite.. and even until now it hasnt left.. i'm starting to get afraid.. i think i'll turn back to wat i use to be very soon.. scary.. no more laughter or smiles.. i dun wan me to become like this.. i really dunno wat must i do or wat must happen to not let my heart sink anymore.. =(

i'm seem to be feeling more and more pain each time i emo.. the pain of having the heart being pierced by needles.. making it more and more difficult to control ur tears each time it happens... until 1 day the tears cnt be controlled anymore and will just come streaming down ur face... i'm afraid of that moment happening.. =(

maybe sumthing is wrong with me?.. idk who to tok to bout this.. i dun even noe how to say it out to make sum1 understand wat i'm tryin to express.. =(

just sum random stuff.. that i'm goin to put here.. lol..

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I still remember the times when it all started...
How u melt my heart...
How u say u love me...
How u did things that touched my heart...
But now...
Its all gone...
Nv coming back...
I use to tot it would nv change...
That it would be like this forever...
But i was wrong... 

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what if everything that reminds me of u hurt..

how will i ever smile like i use to...

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dunno y i feel dam wrong.. wrong mood and everything.. i dunno y things always trun out the opposite way i wan them to be.. its so irritating.. cant they be nice to me once.. =.= i dun think i deserve this rite.. i'm dam tired emotionally la.. dyin of heartache also.. lol.. weird rite.. so many emotions coming at the same time... i dunno how i feel now also.. sumtimes dam high.. sumtimes dam emo.. the change is like dam big la.. i'm goin to kill myself sooner or later if it doesnt stop.. feel dam wrong lor.. my life is in a mess sia.. i dunno wat to do with it.. i dunno wat i wan.. i dunno wat should happen.. wat shouldnt happen..

obviously i'm tryin to chase sum of my frens away.. i dunno why am i doin it... guess sumthing is wrong with me.. is it fear? i dunno.. i'm the type of person who needs alot of time to convince myself that a person can be trusted.. (well, i had too many bad experience.. thats y i'm like this now..) sumhow i believe that this person can be trusted but... i can seem to make myself do it.. i just keep thinkin about wat if i trust the wrong person again... i dunno y.. thats y the more i feel that the person can be trusted the more i wan to push the person away sumtimes.. i'm afraid of going thru the bad experience again.. it takes so much for me to really trust... i dun wan to lose it all in a *snap*.. its painful.. should i trust myself one more time? that i wun trust the wrong person this time? that it'll be ok? that i wun regret? that i wun hav to cry over this? i really dunno.. i hate myself...

new blog... will try to blog more often here if i can.. cos now i have to manage 2 blog.. lol..